the cut that always bleeds

the guilt of the past year and a half is all hitting me now, and it's paralyzing me. i can no longer keep it bottled up. warning: the following text contains traces of my unbearable narcissism, exaggerations, absolutes and passive aggressiveness. this only represents one small facet of my thought process, a very dark one at that. i'm aware every case has many exceptions. my pointed remarks are nothing personal. with that being said, this is my raw and unfiltered perspective.

it's not even having to write my common app essay + supplementals for ten schools that's stressing me out the most, i planned it all last night. it's the unavoidable span of weeks where college admission decisions come out in february/march that frightens me the most, when my fucked up gpa will inevitably prevent me from getting in where i want to; while everyone else around me will be doing just fine.

it's hard to remain optimistic when i had so much potential but i just let it all go to waste. i threw it all away, for no compensation. and maybe i had my reasons for doing so, but what does it matter? in the end who cares? the results are all people see. how has nobody fallen as hard as i have?

i think about everybody else. they all have something marketable, whether it's outstanding academic performance, a special talent or a great achievement. i have nothing. so what's the point of these essays? my chances are so slim anyways. i might as well not write them. it's frustrating when everyone else says "oh i won't get in" although i'm sure they believe they could. why would they apply early decision if they didn't think they had a sliver of a chance? it's like they have the liberty to joke about "i won't get in." i don't - because i'm actually fucked.

i always get so annoyed when people hint that they are superior to me in any way. i know, you were joking. other times, maybe you didn't intentionally imply it. in any case, i know you didn't mean harm. but when i had the potential to perform at your standard and higher it hurts so much to be reminded of reality. that i didn't. even though you didn't try to hurt me, you shot an arrow at my heel.

maybe it's the culture of our school. that we have to take every opportunity to establish our superiority. that we have to show off, or run the risk of having an unsatiated ego. that we have to constantly bring up our summer internship. that we have to talk about our "shitty" 3.95 gpa and 1550 sat. that we have to discuss college rankings every second of our lives. that we have to brag about how many colleges we're applying to. that we have to complain about how difficult our lives are. that we have to complain about our college counsellors setting deadlines for us. sure, i complain too. but i don't bitch about it every second of my life, nor have i ever shared my "problems" in a semi-public environment.

it's not even like said problems are real, if anything more of a humblebrag. i'm unsure of your intention of sharing them with the world every single day, but hey, keep doing you. i don't need your pity, i don't need to share what i'm going through. those who keep their problems silent, those are who hurt the most.

but perhaps the worst part of it all is seeing the look of gratification on their faces if and when they get in to the school of their dreams. sure, i respect that you gave it everything and made it to your destination. but i had the potential. i had the potential to be everything you are and more. and i didn't.

do i feel a sense of community at my school? fuck no.

do i feel included at my school? fuck no.

do i make an effort to combat this? not really. there's no simple way to explain this other than "i hate almost everyone." honestly, i'm not sure if that statement is a byproduct of excessive coping, or if it's a genuine belief, but that's what i'm going to attribute it to.

i really hate school. it's legitimately painful to spend six hours there every five days. sure, there are some bright spots. but the classes are such a drag. so plainly uninteresting. rather than learning the curriculum, i'm learning how to not fall asleep.

every night, i go to bed at 6 am, fearing the near future and inferiority. i seek every distraction to avert my thoughts. i spent 50 hours on my uc essays and produced a result i wasn't proud of. am i just incapable? how am i going to finish strong when i've already lost hope?

i really don't know how i'll exist in march. surrounded by everyone who succeeded, while i'll be left behind. when nothing can be changed any more. when i'll have to accept where i've ended up. and even if i've grown as a person, as a thinker, as a writer, as a musician, as an athlete, as an artist, and as a student, there'll be nothing to show for it. i guess i'll have to swallow my pride, plan for the worst and try my best to not project my insecurities onto others' success stories.

maybe i'm just self-centered. maybe society is rational and i'm the problem. yes, it's my fault. i did it to myself. but that doesn't make it any less irritating. it didn't feel like i could control it. maybe i could've, but what's done is done. i fell from grace. my toxic relationship with the burden of potential, my cut that always bleeds.