like a damn sociopath

really fucking mad right now. tw: slightly disturbing image maybe

these past couple of days have been rough. really fucking rough.

i don't fucking understand. this year's fucking apush test was so fucking stupid. generally, the multiple choice allows for contextualization based on the date and author of the passages, and therefore i expected to do well on the mcq just based off the fact that i knew the content very well after intensive studying. but no, collegeboard said fuck you.

i scored extremely well on my practice mcq's. but on the actual test i felt like i guessed on every question. every source on the entire fucking test was so useless and gave no information, the test as a whole felt so random and i genuinely feel like i would've gotten the same score if i didn't study. and in a way, it's not in my control. i could've never expected it. in the same way as last year, i got fucked again by an unorthodox test caused by covid-19. but it's my fault, i face the consequences, and i should've been better.

as expected, one thing leads to another and it just becomes a huge domino effect as the consequences become bigger and bigger.

the past three days, traumatized by the apush test, i haven't been able to pick up a single book, i haven't been able to do a single practice problem. with the calculus bc and physics c: mechanics tests coming up, this can only be detrimental. it's another situation that could've been averted if i was stronger, if i could push through. another setback that any strong-willed individual could overcome. but i couldn't, i'm too weak.

paired with this, my workload for my ap computer science class is high as ever. the pacing this entire year has just been so terrible, it's extremely backloaded with the most content-dense weeks at the really end of the year, in the middle of ap testing. the most stressful time of the year.

absences are also so unforgiving. the past two weeks, i have skipped school a number of times due to my mental health being extremely bad. every absence has put me further and further behind, but the real issue is having to make up work.

i got two types of responses from my teachers, causing me to form judgment. from those two emails alone, i perceived that one was perpetually nice, and the other projects their own stress onto their students.

in the first case, i had missed a test on wednesday, a test i was aware we had, but i skipped school on that day anyway. yet, i would ask for make up opportunity the sunday after the test. her response did not make me feel an ounce of guilt, and that is something i am very thankful for. i did not give her a single reason why i was absent, nor did i give her a timely email. however, the response made me feel like she cared.

in the second case, i knew i would miss my presentation on wednesday, a day i had reason for missing because of the apush test. in my email, on monday night, i acknowledged that the notice was very late, and apologized for it as well. however, in a two sentence email, she bluntly guilt-tripped me, saying that i should have emailed her earlier, even when i already apologized for it in my email. at least that's how i perceived it. it may not have been intended, but that's how it came off to me.

the day i was supposed to make up the presentation, i overslept it due to having stayed up extremely late working on the project, as well as my alarm clock not waking me up. this would've never happened if i wasn't forced into taking this terrible class that i hated so much. this would've never happened if i had motivation to do the work.

four days later, i still have not emailed her about this. there was just something about that first email that makes me fear emailing her again. obviously, putting off makes it worse, but the response from the first email just made me feel so guilty, and i just do not want to follow up in fear of another one of those emails.

due to stress, from missing school, ap tests and anxiety, i also have barely been eating. two days in the past week i made a conscious attempt consume food, and in each case i have just gotten extremely unlucky. two days in a row, i have unknowingly taken a bite of moldy food and my appetite had instantly subsided. it's not like it was old food either. just completely unfortunate. and it happens directly in the middle of ap testing, when my stress levels were at an all time high.

but it all came out playing video games, as stupid as it sounds. another scenario where it just feels like i'm losing when it's not my fault. just like the moldy food, just like the ap test formats. video games are supposed to be my outlet, to distract me from my pain, a temporary mental break. winning, being better than others, makes me feel for a slight moment that i am not at rock bottom, and i know this is a flawed mentality but i need to convince myself it's true because i need to shield myself from the inferiority i feel from reality. today i broke because my internet disconnected, and for the first time in a while, my anger levels were pushed over the threshold.

and then it all came out. my frustrations with everything that has happened recently. towards my teacher. towards all the tests that i was pressured into taking by my parents. towards school. towards everything that has happened in the past few weeks.

today i broke. for a deluge of reasons. it was just the most unfortunate sequence of annoyance after annoyance that ultimately pushed me over the edge. i bottle up anger. i push it all away until one day it inevitably surpasses the breaking point and it all comes out. today, my destructive tendencies were unleashed. i went on a fucking rampage.

extremely livid, i grabbed a pair of scissors, and picked up my apush book. as i lifted the scissors, preparing to fucking stab the book, i could feel the adrenaline pumping in my veins. it felt like i was killing someone. my worst enemy. it felt great. like i was on drugs.

i proceeded to destroy the book even more. as the scissors did not cause enough damage, i grabbed my keys and sliced through each individual page in the book. it was like a knife through butter. oddly therapeutic.

i'm impulsive. sometimes my destructive tendencies and my anger take control of me. sometimes my emotions control me more than i control them. and that results in taking action without thinking. when i'm mad, i don't have control of myself. i do things that i know i will regret later. i don't have regard for anything else in the moment. destruction is my coping mechanism. even at the expense of my own wellbeing. kind of like a suicide bomber. like a psycho. like a killer. like a damn sociopath.

this isn't me.