existential dread

in short: i essentially gave up on life for a couple of months because of a deteriorating mental state.

i discovered that i'm dealing with feelings of existential dread, where i feel as if nothing matters, and there's no purpose in life. i have a couple conjectures for why this may be the case, however that does not make the situation any easier.

conjecture #1: i'll never achieve the level of success i had before.

growing up, i was always a top of the class, straight-a student, most of the time without really having to try hard either. because of this, i never really had to develop good study habits. as a junior now, study habits are more important than ever, and with my lack of this, combined with my lack of motivation it's really difficult to maintain my grades. and because i can't achieve, i'd rather question the purpose rather than facing the fact that i am not the genius i thought i was years ago.

conjecture #2: because i can't achieve perfection, i'd rather not achieve at all.

again, growing up i was always a 4.0 student. now that straight-a's feel out of grasp, i have lost all motivation to try, and rather than striving for the 3.9, i'd just settle for a 3.5.

[unrelated tangent: on the topic of school, i still tend to have a decently large ego. not one that i spread, but just ideas that i think to myself. that although my grades are below average, i still think that i'm still a 99th percentile student. i always have these thoughts that my school is significantly harder than most others to score well in; and while it may actually be true, i definitely don't know for sure, and there is no reason for me to think this way]

conjecture #3: i'm lonely as fuck.

i've always had little close friends growing up, but i never had struggles with loneliness until high school. i guess back then people liked me because of the persona i put on, that i was witty and energetic, while that's simply who i'm not. when i moved schools, i decided that i would just be myself, but evidently nobody has a reason to get to know me for myself. because let's face it: i'm not that interesting of a person. i'm nothing without my outstanding academics, and i've lost even that recently. in essence, i believe i have no friends because others have no reason to approach me, and i make no attempt to approach others.

it's always been sore for me to talk about subjects like this because i feel like it does an injustice for the people who i know would be there for me when i need it. the people who i know care about me, but i don't want to burden with my mental health, because we've considerably drifted, or i don't feel comfortable speaking about this particular topic with them. it does an injustice to those who still regard me as a friend, and it just feels wrong to say that these feelings aren't mutual, but i genuinely don't know if i'm speaking truth if i say they are.

i don't talk to anybody on a daily basis, and the times people do start conversations with me, i'd say 85 percent of the time are for academic help or about school, and 100 percent of the time i'm not their first choice. writing these statements also cause a dilemma: i do have the intention to share my blog, however i don't want others to feel guilty that i feel this way. i don't want to burden others with the guilt that someone they regard as a friend feels this way as a result of them. i don't want others to begin to talk to me for the sheer reason that they want me to feel better. and to those who feel i may be describing them that are reading this: it really isn't a big deal to me, i'm used to it and i know i'm the cause of this.

anyway, i went on quite a tangent. the point of it is, i want a perfect someone to swoop into my life and save me, but i don't want to actively seek it; kind of like a kaori miyazono to my kousei, sans the dying part. basically, i want life to give me what i want when i myself don't even pursue what i want. and this doesn't just go for relationships. this goes for everything. but, i'm also picky with who i open up to emotionally, probably one in a thousand people, because i have an overly idealistic expectation of the type of person i want to truly understand me.

and because i have nobody right now, my emotions are all bottled up, and every week or so it tends to lash out in the form of extreme anger, usually taken out on my family, who don't deserve to face repercussions for my own faults.

[tangent #2: on this same topic of family facing repercussions for my faults, i've been made aware that various actions that i am taking, such as staying up late because i can't focus on schoolwork, or doing shit in school in general has taken a toll on my parents' health. and i feel as if whenever my parents bring it up, my words and actions don't do my thoughts justice, and it seems like i'm apathetic to how their feeling, when in reality it's a recurring thought in my mind that i'm the root cause of many of their problems and so many issues could be resolved if i simply did not exist.

sometimes it's really difficult for me to digest what my parents say. for example: my parents care a lot about what college i go to: i guess that's common for asian parents nowadays. when i confronted them with the thought that the only reason i was working hard for college just to be another addition to my parents' trophy case of kids' achievements to show off to relatives and friends, i was faced with the harsh reality: that i was a fucking selfish dick. in the moment, i truly did believe that that was what i was working for. and honestly, i believed the difference between attending harvard and attending mediocre school was small. but i was wrong. marginally. and i was made aware of that, and how for granted i was taking all the resources provided to me. and to this day i still think of that conversation and how so many resources are put into me in order for me to have the best college experience, and the easiest path for life going forward, and yet i just believed that all this money was put in just so my parents could say "hah my son goes to x school i'm so cool." and now, with all this money put in for me, i can't produce a result my parents or i could be proud of. and i think about that a lot now.

i actually went on omegle a few weeks back, and i met this girl and we had probably one of the only decent conversations i've ever had on that god forsaken website. a topic brought up was the idea of why would you want children, it's money that could be spent on yourself and its a shit ton of additional stress; emotionally, physically and financially. and to be honest, i still have no fucking clue.].

conjecture #4: my therapist was useless. or maybe i didn't want to helped, idk.

i began to see a therapist, but it didn't really help at all. and i don't know, i feel like every meeting both parties were both extremely disinterested. maybe because i was young and the idea of mental health in teens is still a new idea. or maybe it was because of the way we approached him (my mom initially began these because she thought i had a sleeping problem, i hadn't spoken to her about my thoughts yet). or maybe it was because i didn't feel comfortable bringing up my thoughts with him because i have an overly idealistic view of who i want as my therapist, and if i don't get that i don't feel comfortable. but honestly, i felt very uncomfortable during my therapy sessions. it's definitely a fault on my end for not making my therapist aware of this, and i don't think he did anything wrong, but maybe he feels he did because i stopped seeing him. and i guess that's another burden i put on someone. but to be fair, at that time, my mental state was not even close to how bad it is now, so i guess it was just a case of bad timing caused by my lack of communication to my parents and therapist.

conjecture #5: sleep schedule

i have been getting so little sleep recently and it's taken its toll on my body. i'm really easily irritable in the first couple of hours after i wake up. i know the cause; yet i can't fix the problem. if i haven't made it obvious enough, it's because of my lack of motivation and how easily distracted i am. that's a problem i'm trying to fix: rather than going on youtube for countless hours, i'm trying to change that habit and write a blog post instead; much, much more productive. anyways, because of my sleep schedule, i'm getting 3, maybe 4 hours of sleep a night. and that's reflected in my grades. my lifestyle is fucked. on a related note:

conjecture #6: exercise

i used to be quite the athletic child. but for the past couple of months, i haven't seen the light of day (besides going to school, of course). i spend nearly my entire day every day in my chair on my computer. i feel like this is because of a feeling of inferiority i developed as a high school freshman participating in sports.

i played basketball for 8 years. i grew from being the shittiest player on my team to probably being the best scorer in my recreational league at some point. however, i was struck by the harsh reality: that there is always someone harder working than you. or in this case there were 20+. and that's probably the first time i ever faced severe self-doubt, summer of high school, before i even touched academics. (spoiler: i soon realized there were so many harder working people than me academically as well).

but, this wasn't my only athletic failure of that summer. (yep there's more). for context, i played two sports, basketball for 8 years (which i cared a ton about, and worked maybe 8 hours a week on) and tennis (which at that time i could give two shits about, and practiced 1 hour a week). each camp had a summer camp, basketball only had one camp for freshman (i think) and tennis had three camps, for various levels of players. however, the basketball camp had three courts, also arranged by skill. i was placed in the lowest court.

however, because of time conflicts between basketball and tennis, i could only make the highest level tennis camp. (spoiler: i did not belong there). and everyone could tell. i could tell that people's moods shifted when they were forced to play with me, the one person in that camp that fucking sucked. the one person that clearly was worse than the others. and it felt like shit ruining their experience.

similarly, there were three levels of tennis teams; and naturally i was placed in the lowest. now, i expected to make the tennis team; not because i was particularly good but because of how many people were allowed on the team. although i knew i wasn't extremely good, i thought i was at least above average, but again i faced the harsh reality that no, i wasn't.

i warmed the bench of my school's worst tennis team for half a season before i switched to doubles where i would actually play as a starter. but holy shit did i bring my partner down. granted, i probably worked with him better than the partner he originally played with did, but it still hurt to know that i was the main reason for certain losses.

that year, i thought i made many improvements to my game, but the following season i was again placed on the lowest team. this began my phase of toxic mediocrity, where i just believed that no matter how hard i try, there will always be so many others better. this statement has since evolved to "i'll never be more than average" and it's a belief that stands with me to this day. and because of this, i try to run from my problems. and my toxic mediocrity has kept me from stepping foot on a tennis or basketball court ever again. and slowly this became just not going outside or exercising ever.

but, failing isn't my biggest regret from that season, everyone fails, and i feel like bringing my partner down could be pardoned, as after all two people can't both be the better player. my biggest regret was that i couldn't communicate for shit. sure, i could call out what was necessary in-game, but outside of the game i contributed zero substance to our "friendship" (idek if you could even call it that) and i made no effort to contribute to increasing chemistry.

it's for two reasons: i'm legitimately a dry person and can't hold conversations about most topics, or i'm scared of being judged for saying things. and i'm not even sure why this is, it just makes no sense that i care so much about my personal image when literally nobody else gives a fuck. and me not being able to contribute much substance leads into conjecture #7.

conjecture #7: i'm a doormat

because i'm dry and hard to talk to, i tend to try to get on others good side by other means, whether it would be agreeing with everything they say, or doing nice things to them at my inconvenience for no reason. the real problem is this: with the small amount of people i used to talk to a lot, i tried my hardest to avoid conflict. i would let others step on me, and i would think it was fine as long as i remained on their good side. i would discard my opinions and agree with theirs, and not point out their obvious flaws and always side with them, even when i disagreed.

because of this, i feel like i may generate friendships that are one-sided and doubt my own likeability to others. this also goes back to the idea of putting on a false persona so that others would like me. i think dr. alok kanojia puts this best: "the more successful your mask, the lonelier you feel." as i stated earlier, i stopped acting like someone i wasn't after i moved schools, but i quickly realized that i lacked substance. and as much i like to deny it, i guess i have developed self-esteem issues over the years. so i guess:

conjecture #8: self-esteem issues

i have self-esteem issues and extreme fear of judgment, seemingly for no reason. i guess because people don't know me, i try to paint myself in the highest light possible, carefully choosing to not speak because i don't want to ruin others' perceptions of me if i say something dumb or something they disagree with.

this also happens in class. in group/partner settings in non-stem subjects, i tend to just contribute nothing to discussions because i fear that others will think i'm stupid if i say something wrong, when obviously they don't care. however, during topics i'm knowledgeable about, i tend to contribute a lot to the conversation, to paint myself in the brightest light possible. obviously, i function fine in these groups, while in the groups where i remain silent, i'm likely thought to be useless and unprepared. so now that i think about it, the consequences of not talking is worse than the consequence of being wrong, but honestly i could just attribute that to my social anxiety where i'd rather say nothing than say something wrong.

i can actually think of a specific scenario of this: as a freshman i used to volunteer to answer questions a lot in science, when i knew the answers. and i answered everything right when i raised my hand. however, one time i answered wrong and after that i never raised my hand again. honestly i don't know why i felt that way, nobody probably noticed anyways.

conjecture #9: hobbies/happiness

i don't have healthy hobbies anymore. i don't really derive happiness from my hobbies. honestly, i don't really derive happiness from anything anymore. my core belief is that my happiness should be prioritized above everything, but nothing seems to make me happy anymore, i guess it's something i'm still searching for. for now, all i know is how to achieve instantaneous happiness, which leads to more problems than it heals.

i feel like there's nothing to look forward to in life. it's just a cycle of hating school to hating your job to hating your life. so what reason do i have to try to pursue a better future when it's gonna be shit regardless?

summary: essentially i have been having feelings of existential dread and that everything is pointless. as a result, i haven't been trying in school and this further contributes to the feeling of dread, as instead of just doing schoolwork, i began to question why i'm doing it, because it became difficult. it feels pointless to me because i feel like there's nothing to look forward to. i can try on something difficult and do well, so what? it won't make me any more happier, so why would i just not do something easy and get the same result? additionally, i feel like i have nobody to talk to and no place to vent my emotions, so this ends up being released unhealthily. i also have unending feelings of inadequacy and care way too much about what others think of me, overall leading to me not putting myself out there and having little actual friends. and because i have no friends, i tend to be a doormat, to at least get on the good side of people and avoid conflict, sometimes at the expense of my personal wellbeing. a lot of these actions i'm taking are extremely toxic, yet i can't seem to change them. and i feel like everything mentioned in this post and more have been reasons for my social withdrawal, sinking grades, and deteriorating mental health.

this post has been long as fuck but i guess it's justified as it's my first post in months. it also feels really nice to just let it all out when i've had nobody to talk to for a while now. i guess i should include a message to the readers: if you know me, don't feel the need to talk to me and ask if i need help, because chances are i won't open up to you because statistically there's a low chance that you're a part of the one percent of people that i feel comfortable opening up to. and the one percent generally aren't people i know well either, rather it's those that i romanticize and imagine that one day they'll suddenly come into my life and save me (i know, it's a problem), so tbh they'll likely never know who they are unless i build up the courage to inform them. what i would appreciate though is a nice message if you feel like this helped you or you can relate to some of the things i said; it's really gratifying to know that i had a positive influence on someone else.

sorry for the rant-y style post but i could care less about my writing mechanics tbh, i'd rather just get my thoughts out there, so expect my post style to be similar to this one. see y'all later, thanks for caring enough to spend ten minutes of your time reading about the thoughts and feelings of someone you probably know very little about.

<3,

jason