CCC6: sorry

tw: suicide ideation

someone with issues like mine isn't able to accomplish what i set out to do without properly addressing them first. i failed to recognize this. my ego was too big, and my resolve was too small.

these past few weeks, i've dragged myself through hell, drank more caffeine than ever before, and i'm not even going to end up with a result i'm happy with. i'm trying so hard to try my hardest, but it's too difficult. once again, i'm failing school.

it doesn't feel good to succeed if it isn't perfection. nothing makes me feel proud, good test scores are only temporary relief that my grade will last another couple of weeks. bad scores send me into a spiral of hatred towards school, feelings that i'm incapable, immense stress, and at the worst, suicide ideation. not suicidal thoughts in the regard that i'm legitimately intent on killing myself, but rather i often find myself thinking "i'd rather be dead," "if i killed myself this would all be over," or this morning after i woke up, "today seems like a good day to end it all."

it really feels like junior year all over again. my feelings expressed in the first few paragraphs of "all the best people are crazy," i thought i'd gotten over them, but they're all coming back. this morning i went to school, but just felt so terrible that i didn't go to class despite being on campus, and instead fell asleep on a random bench. i had another class after that in maybe three hours, and i thought to myself that maybe i'd go in the liberal arts building and study for a bit.

the second i stepped foot into the building, my stomach dropped, my heart raced, my breathing got heavy, and my legs got weak. i don't know what prompted this response. i think it's a combination of guilt and my perceived sense of inferiority in that sphere. that because i've stopped going to classes, i've isolated myself from society on my own terms, and i feel completely separated from everyone else. and by not going to class, i also develop this notion in my mind that my professors hate me, but i can't find it in me to actually attend. i hate being behind. and the feeling only gets worse when i have to go to a class and the instructor knows i'm behind. it's this never-ending cycle that causes me stay behind forever; when i'm behind i begin to hate the class because i think the instructor hates me, and because i'm demotivated i continue to fail.

after about a minute, i left the building, instantly called an uber, went home, and slept for six hours. i don't know what's wrong with me. i don't know why i have these feelings associated with my school. i don't know why i hate everything so much. i don't know why i can't accomplish tasks that seem so simple. what makes me weaker than others? it's not a lack of talent, so what is it?

i've felt this way towards school basically ever since i stepped onto campus freshman year. i thought it was just because i hated the environment of the high school i attended, and the negative emotions would subside once i left. but now i know it's deeper than just that. that there is something fundamentally wrong with me.

i intentionally isolate myself from society. in class, i pick the seat furthest away from everyone else. outside of class, i intentionally choose locations on campus where i have the lowest chance of catching sight of another person. when i'm in a bad mood, even the mere presence of other humans pisses me off.

i don't participate in anything. i don't talk to anyone in my classes. i've been here five months and i have developed zero lasting relationships. the way i communicate repels people, both intentionally and unintentionally. i've retracted back into my shell. i've made no progress.

i set out to prove something. i failed. i set out to endure twelve months of pain, and come out much stronger. but i was too weak. every goal i set, i failed miserably. at what point do i just accept that it isn't going to work out? at what point do i just give up and stop hurting myself? at what point do i admit i've tried to do more than i'm capable of?

it's happening again. everyone around me is moving forward while i stay back, stuck like a pathetic fucking loser. how many times am i going to let opportunities pass me by? watch success slip away before my eyes because i didn't want to extend my arms and grasp it.

maybe that's just who i am. maybe in the face of adversity i just don't have the strength to push through.

i remember i learned about this concept of victim and creator language over the summer, "victims focus on their weaknesses, creators focus on how to improve." it's all bullshit. thinking positively never works. thinking positively is naïve.

there was this one column on the table, "victims predict defeat and give up, creators think positively and look for a better choice."

i'm sorry, professor wolfe. i've really tried to think positively. i've thought for hours and hours but there doesn't seem to be a better choice than giving up.

"i'll find a way, there's always something i can do."

"i can"

"i choose"

"i will"

"i'll keep going"

i can keep going, try to minimize losses and try to make the best out of it. but every day is so painful. i don't have time. it hurts so much. i can choose to endure it but with every passing day i develop more pent-up stress and anger, sleep less, and consume more sugar. if i keep going, will the gain outweigh the cost?

maybe it does. maybe i just have a loser mindset.

my club is failing, and it's my fault. my grades are fucked, and it's my fault. i'm bringing down every group effort that i'm a part of because i can't even do the bare minimum. i've stopped going to classes. i've stopped eating. i can't help but feel like i'm letting everyone down.

i want to scream profanities. i want to break something. i want to throw a crystal ball against the wall and watch it shatter into a million pieces. i want to smash my door with a hammer. i want to overdose. i want to get hit by a car. i never want to see the light of day again. i want the world to burn.

i'm just so angry at myself, but there's no escaping. every single action i take every day reminds me of how terrible i am. my mind is an echo chamber of negativity. the least i can do is prevent spreading it to anyone else.

i'm going to keep trying, at least for a little bit longer. deep down i know the future holds something that will restore my faith. but in case it doesn't work out, here is my apology in advance:

to everyone who believed in me, i wish i could succeed for you. i wish things turned out the way we thought they would. i wish that in six months' time we'd be celebrating. i'm sorry, we won't be.

i'm aware that saying it's my fault is selfish. it's the easy way out, to leave you in the dark and give such a stupid, shallow, unfulfilling reason like "i failed because i'm not strong enough." believe me, i really wish i could change the past. but at the present, the mountain looks too steep to climb. let me escape just this once. let my inadequate explanation suffice just this once. my mind is a mess. i hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.

i think i'm just about done.

so frustrated.

disappointed.

i'm sorry i ruined it.

just don't have the energy for this.

can't breathe anymore.

hardly anything works now.

feels like there's nowhere more to go.

i used to think i could fly.

now i know better.

are you ready to catch me?