CCC10: Spring Semester Wrapped, we're SO fucking back

Plan for the worst case scenario, but do everything in your power to manifest the best case. That was the story of spring.

I’m not exactly sure how I want to approach this reflection, I guess I’m just going to tell it start to finish, similar to last semester’s.

I was incredibly burnt out from college applications throughout the duration of spring, and honestly never recovered from fall finals. What was supposed to be my easiest semester, the steady final stretch, turned out to be the most turbulent era of them all.

I had all these ideas in my head about spring semester. Like, I was going to be so proactive and study for my exams weeks in advance and do all my homework before it was due. I was not going to make any mistakes in fall, and I would glide to a comfortable 4.0.

It didn’t really go that way.

I missed my first class of the semester. I got the starting time wrong and just didn’t show up. That’s alright. Except it wasn’t, because that foreshadowed a trend for the rest of the semester as my attendance tanked to the lowest point it’s ever been. I want to think that it wasn’t completely my fault, because to me lectures were just genuinely so boring and made me want to rip my hair out. I decided it was better for my physical and mental health that I skipped as many lectures as I possibly could. And so it began.

My writing teacher gave points for attendance, and set a requirement in the syllabus that we could miss at most four class periods. I was a volunteer note taker for discrete math. It went well for like the first three weeks of school. Then all of that went to shit as I decided to retract back into my shell and spend days bedridden.

After three weeks, I had a pretty mapped out idea of what classes I would go to, and which I wasn’t. I mainly organized it based on which classes I felt were worth going to (spoiler alert, almost none of them, unless I was required to).

Before I reveal my attendance formula, I want to talk about my first impressions of each class.

I found writing to be fairly enjoyable, the required readings were fairly interesting and the teacher was really cool. Discrete seemed somewhat interesting, however the lectures made it nearly impossible to be immersed in the course material. Linear algebra started off extremely slow and even though I tried to be engaged and ask questions during class, I got bored quickly. Physics was the same shit as last semester, long ass lectures but moderately interesting concepts and labs. Music theory was my only online asynchronous class, no sweat, free A, just taking it to fill out general education requirements.

With that out of the way, this was how I chose which classes to attend:

if day == “monday” or day == “wednesday”

if i feel like killing myself when i wake up in the morning == false:

go to writing class

else:

skip

if discrete math test today == true:

go to discrete math class

else:

skip

if physics lab today == true or physics test today == true:

go to physics class

else:

skip

elif day == “tuesday” or day == “thursday”:

if linear algebra quiz today == true or linear algebra test today == true:

go to linear algebra class

else:

skip

else:

sit in bed all day

Honestly I don’t know why I just wrote it out like that instead of in normal people language I thought it was gonna be so quirky and creative but it’s kind of just stupid but whatever. Anyways, this formula led to me being present in probably less than fifty percent of class periods throughout the semester. I think a good estimate of my attendance is between thirty and forty percent, where my attendance for writing was ~70%, physics ~50%, linear algebra ~25%, and discrete ~20%.

I don’t have many stories to tell about school, mostly because I was never really there. So honestly this reflection is going to be pretty direct, and essentially will only cover my test scores and my corresponding thoughts and emotions.

The first set of midterms went mostly fine, although as I mentioned earlier I was incredibly burnt out and found it difficult to commit energy towards school. I did alright, 94% on physics, 85% discrete, 66% on linear algebra. Not terrible for the low amount of effort I put in towards studying.

As the semester proceeded, I realized that before each discrete math test, the study guide that the professor gave out literally contained the exact same questions as the test but with different numbers. That made the class even easier than it already was, and I cruised through discrete for the rest of the semester. It wasn’t the same story for my other classes.

By the time the second set of midterms rolled around, I was completely dead in the water. I wasn't in the greatest state mentally but honestly that was no excuse for putting no effort into school. But there was no point dwelling on that thought, and I instead had to plan for how to recover from such a circumstance.

I remember thinking that my worst case scenario scores for my linear and physics midterms were as low as 25% and 35% respectively, and I was fairly sure that in the most optimistic case my scores still would not be over 50% on either of those. I think it was around this time where I got accepted to UCLA; and that’s where the panic really began to set in: I could very well get my acceptance rescinded.

Reality started to hit. I frantically plugged scores into a grade calculator every day. I would scour every corner of the Internet to see if there was any information on whether or not I would get rescinded for 2 C’s. Nothing eased my perils.

Every day I would worry about my midterm scores. Every night I would freak out about getting rescinded. I even tried to convince myself that I wanted to go to Berkeley instead of UCLA because I knew that at least there I wouldn’t get rescinded for 2 C’s. I went as far as to post my Berkeley acceptance letter instead of my UCLA one, follow Berkeley accounts, put Berkeley in my Instagram bio, and search for housing in the area. And in early May, I submitted my intent to register at UC Berkeley.

Eventually score releases came around, and it was time to rip off the band-aid. The results relieved me a little bit, but the job was nowhere far from done. I got a 46% on linear algebra, and 57% on physics. Far from ideal, but it was about an extra 20% on each. I could work with that, as it still made the prospect of getting a B in each class reachable, although I didn’t have much hope left in my heart. My mind was only repeating the same few thoughts, “just give up and go to Berkeley (said no one ever),” “you can’t do it,” “it’s too far out of reach,” and “it’s not worth it.”

But I couldn’t let go. My secret weapon is how strong my “feeling” function is. And during that physics midterm, my heart sank into my stomach as I couldn’t solve a single question and scribbled numbers and equations that begged for any partial credit scraps I could get, like a homeless man in a snowstorm. That horrible feeling lingered in my body for hours after the test and I vowed to myself that I would never, ever feel that low during a test ever again and I would never again be so unprepared for an exam to such an embarrassing extent.

Like fall semester, this set me up for a big month before finals week where I was borderline A/B for writing and discrete, and borderline B/C for linear algebra and physics. My idea was to study hard for the whole month, and pop off on every exam. However, I had a research conference at Stanford around this time, and although I brought my textbooks, no studying was done.

As superficial as it was, being selected as a finalist for the top award at the conference gave me a slight boost in confidence and gave me just enough push to believe that I was capable. Getting Regents at UCI gave me another small push, and I leveraged both of these into daily speeches to myself in the shower where I would constantly remind myself that I was the greatest and that I could accomplish anything I set my mind to. Speeches that sounded similar to what I posted in CCC9.5 but were longer-winded, more personal, and more delusional. Words that nobody but myself could tell me. And they helped me get by, and they helped me make it through the end of the year.

Intense studying really started the Wednesday before finals week. At that point, I had done nothing for discrete math, and I knew nothing about what would be on the test or what the unit was about. As for physics, I had been loosely following, doing the homeworks when they were due but that was the extent of it. However, I did feel like I was getting a solid grasp of the concepts in spite of the low amounts of time I was spending, so I thought I could get by with less studying. Linear algebra was the real one, where I knew absolutely nothing as evidenced by my epic failures on both midterms. This was the test I was the most concerned about, and the one I had trouble believing there was even a world where I could score high enough. But the show had to go on.

That week, I did the entire unit’s worth of discrete math in two days and then on Saturday I went out with my cousin on a ten hour-ish study session where I did most of my linear algebra homework. The Sunday after, I pulled a near all-nighter to finish out linear algebra, briefly look over discrete, and review the concepts which would be on the physics exam. I also had a bit of fun that night composing my final piece for music theory. I wasn’t as prepared as I wanted to be, but I believed I had the foundation to get by just enough.

The day before my first final, I pulled the strongest power move and withdrew from UC Berkeley to instead SIR to UCLA. I was all in, betting on myself yet again. Where is the fun if there aren’t large stakes anyways?

Monday, May 22nd was the first day of finals: discrete math and physics. The 23rd was linear algebra. The 24th was when my final writing essay was due. I could take my music theory final whenever I wanted throughout these dates. The plan was to open with music theory to boost my confidence, do my Monday finals, study hard Monday night for linear algebra, then spend the entire Wednesday finishing my final essay. And then it began.

Monday morning, I got an 100% on my music theory final, admittedly it was a pretty stupid test but whatever, I would take any small win I could at that point. As I said earlier, my discrete math professor posted study guides that were nearly identical to the test, so I wasn’t worried about my first real final. I walked into the discrete math classroom with maybe a bit too much swagger, and submitted the test in half an hour. I didn’t have to think twice. I knew I got over 90%, and for a few hours I was safe.

During the short grace period, I did some final reviews for physics, and then it was time for the first real test. I really only had to get around a 65%, but I knew it wasn’t so easy which the previous midterm proved. And exiting the room, I wasn’t so sure I did good enough. My score prediction was 132/200, 66% which was barely enough. But I believed my score could range from anywhere from 90 to 150. It left me a bit uneasy.

I got home around 9pm and I was dead tired. I tried my best to study throughout the night, but I eventually fell asleep around midnight. I had a couple hours less of preparation than I planned for, but at least I had a clear mind and a good night’s sleep. And then it was time.

I needed an 85% on this linear algebra test to secure an 80% in the class, however the class was allegedly going to be curved, although there was little confirmation. I didn’t want to leave anything up to chance, but leaving after submitting the linear algebra test, I knew all I could do left was believe in the curve because I knew that I had probably gotten between 70% and 80%, but if I got really lucky I could graze the 85% mark.

By the time I got to work on the writing final essay, I was extremely out of it. It was supposed to be twenty-two pages, but I had already pre-written most of it as it was a “cumulative” essay in the sense that it would include very similar or direct carbon copies of text from earlier essays we had submitted in the semester. I was so out of it that for the final I basically copy-pasted everything I had written earlier on in the semester with about two pages of actual original content that I produced on that day. I was ready to accept the B, I already knew I was fucked on attendance anyway so my mentality was “who cares about my score on this essay, it’s pretty much impossible I get a C in this class, but I probably won’t get an A either.” For context, I was at pretty much an even 90% in the class, and none of my essay scores earlier in the semester had exceeded 90%. So I submitted some flaming pile of shit, expecting to just get by and finish writing with a B.

I remember in CCC9 I wrote that the best case scenario, and what I was aiming for, this semester was 3 A’s and 2 B’s, or at the very least 2 A’s and 3 B’s. After school finally wrapped, I was in a state of extreme unease as I wasn’t sure I met either of my goals, and I thought there was a fair chance that I had actually gotten 2 A’s, a B, and 2 C’s. But I had already withdrawn from Berkeley, there was nothing more I could do. All that was left was to wait.

I had already locked the A in music theory. Next score to release was physics, where my professor announced on Canvas that he would post grades soon, and within five hours of that announcement, there was radio silence. Admittedly, I panicked a bit: “maybe he didn’t post my grades because he didn’t want to break my heart.” But the next morning, I woke up to my final grade and was immediately taken aback as I scored a 176/200, 88%, which exceeded even my hyper-optimistic upper bound.

Then discrete math, where my performance once again surprised me. I expected a 92-94% and got a 98%, which doesn’t really mean all that much but I was still happy about it. Three finals in, and nothing had gone wrong so far.

And then the notification came. Linear algebra grades were posted, and my heart rate immediately went into overdrive. But finals week isn’t for the weak-hearted and I clicked my grade without hesitation. I knew it was a matter of believing in the curve because I almost definitely didn’t get that 85%. And when I scrolled down to the bottom of the page and saw the letter “B,” I think that was the first time I’ve ever had a visible positive reaction to my grades. I was so overjoyed. It was only a 77% on the final, and it wasn’t even an A in the class, but it felt like I had finished running my first marathon.

Still, I still had a bit of doubt and didn’t know if 3 B’s were grounds for rescission. I knew I had a stronger case now that I had no C’s, but I also knew there was a chance I wasn’t fully safe yet. My worries were all erased on the day of the grade post deadline where I was completely shocked by an A in writing. And at that moment, I knew things would work out. The weight of the world finally felt lifted off my shoulders.

I had done it: 3 A's and 2 B's against all odds. I had manifested my best case scenario and I finally felt relief. I was now certain that under no circumstance was my college acceptance at risk. And after one straight year of pressure, I could finally take my foot off the gas. In April of 2022 I took a gamble. And at that moment I finally knew it paid dividends.

So let it be known. Back against the wall, make or break scenario with everything on the line, Jason Au pulls through every. damn. time.

This semester more than any other semester, however, there are several people that deserve credit for my success as much as I do because they really helped keep me sane during a very turbulent period of my life. I am incredibly grateful for the people who love and support me unconditionally no matter when the last time we talked was. I really appreciate those who answered my dumbass questions without judgment, were ready to give me their time of day at a moment’s notice, and put up with my stupid antics on a daily basis.

As much as I want to conclude with something really edgy and cool, I know I was only able to do what I did because of all the opportunities I was given, and the strong network of loving people that surround me. So instead I’ll leave you with this: believe in yourself, and tell those you love that you love them.

<3,

Jason