life update

it is profusely terrifying that in just eleven months from now i will be thrown into the wild. it is even more frightening that recruiting season is even closer than that.

up until now, what i valued most was enjoying my life while still young, and having the experiences that i may have missed out on in high school. i have surrounded myself with people with seemingly similar priorities; not taking academics too, too seriously and spending time relishing the true college experience and setting aside time to create memories and just let loose and have fun. that is what i felt was most meaningful, having those unforgettable nights engraved into my brain that i could think back to over and over again and smile about. i truly cannot stand the mentality of throwing away the joy of our late teens and early twenties in order to play the game of capitalism.

i worry that this mindset does not align with my career aspirations. every so often, i browse linkedin and examine the resumés of new graduates who have been successful in getting placement in the field i want to go into. as i scroll through, all i can think about is how much better they are than me; ivy leagues, internships, research, coding competitions, math competitions; i too had performed decently in math olympiads at one point in my life, but they were all just better. there is always this nagging feeling that i am not and will not ever be good enough, and then i’ll have to settle for something else and completely pivot off the career i have had my eyes on for so long. my experience and background pales in comparison to anybody else’s. and i just think to myself, what does everybody else know that i simply cannot grasp? 

oftentimes it feels like it’s too late to catch up. these people have been preparing for their career, it feels like, since birth. i have undergone so many changes in the trajectory of my life, overcome a lot of personal struggle, and grown into a person that i am happy with, but what does that leave me with? effectively nothing, because, in the eyes of a recruiter, no amount of personal growth or introspection overcomes a faang internship or a publication. or so it feels like.

the next logical question i ask myself is did i rush in too quickly? i was dead set on transferring in as a junior after one year of community college, and for a few months i truly did feel proud and accomplished but now it just feels like i gave myself too little time to gain the industry and life experiences that i need and too little time to prepare for blindly diving into the deep end alone. three years of college instead of four has felt way too tight a timeframe to jam everything into.

i am going to graduate at age twenty. but i am nowhere proud as much as i am scared. if i reflect upon my life post-high school, i feel like i did a lot of things right. i partook in activities that i thought i would regret if i did not. i chose not to throw away the joy of new experiences to the corporate world, which is something i have always believed in. all the while, i maintained good grades. but after over a hundred internship rejections, my own self-confidence has started to waver, and i have begun to doubt every step leading up to this point.

these past few weeks, i have thought a lot about how i am going to make it in this world, and it’s been weighing down on me heavily. i have concluded that i have not been aggressive enough. i need to make a play, and i have to make it now. if it doesn’t work out, i don’t know where i am going to end up. one year ago when i got into the college of my dreams, i thought the pressure would have subsided a bit. i only now have realized that i should have been prepared for the pressure, and the stakes, to be higher than ever.

maybe i am just not built for the grind. maybe this is simply not for me. my mom always tells me that i never push through when things get hard, that i always prioritize indulgence in the present over success in the future. and truth be told, she’s right. maybe i am just not strong enough to push through all the bullshit. but if that is so, it feels like i am left with no options. i effectively have nowhere left to go, nothing to pursue, that will leave me feeling fulfilled. i chase the grind, but i am not great at committing to it. that is my greatest weakness. 

i like having meaningful experiences. i need to learn that that quality is not mutually exclusive with being able to commit myself towards aggressively pursuing my future goals. that is where i am stuck at right now. the mentality i have conditioned myself to have, clashing with the practicality of what i need to do at this present moment. i thought that not pursuing the above and beyond academically, and instead spending time seeking activities i believed i would derive the most meaning from, would be my greatest asset. it turns out, i may have been wrong. after all, you cannot keep making experiences if you have no home. and what does making meaning mean anyway?

i am not sure how to feel. i do not think feeling cheated is the correct way to describe it, but it really feels as though by staying true to myself and my values, i have handicapped myself, and i am now springing into the corporate world with a severe backfoot. 

it simply just does not feel right. they say to just be yourself, but by being myself these past few years, i feel like i have dug myself into a deep hole that feels hopelessly impossible to climb out of. 

however, at some point i have to wake up and stop feeling sorry for myself. looking back at this past year, what did i really accomplish? i gained the most weight i ever have in my entire life, made a habit of several unhealthy activities, received worse grades than i would have liked, and ultimately gave up on every single thing when it got difficult. eventually, i need to take a good look at myself and truly think about whether i really am staying true to my values as i convince myself, or if i am living this way because i am afraid of commitment and failure, and my mental fortitude is too frail to push through. maybe i have just been too much of a pussy.

as much as i have tried to tell myself i am not, i really am the biggest pussy i know. time and time again, i back off when things get difficult, and it has always cost me. and then i try to make myself believe that i am not in the wrong. i subconsciously make up all these bullshit reasons that honestly seem quite believable, but in reality i may just be masking my insecurities. so what i really need to think about now is whether or not i live the way i do because i am trying to live without regrets, or because i am a pussy that settles for comfort. and i know it is the latter. because i know that if i do not live up to my potential, that will be my greatest regret. the burden will not even be comparable to missing some nights out with friends.

i still value that work-life balance. but this past year, it has been a lots and lots of life and not very much work. that needs to change.

what i am lacking is that killer instinct. i need to push, and it needs to be now.

i will try my best.

talk soon.