to take a gap year or not to take a gap year, that is the question

due to my lack of motivation and hatred towards school, i've had recurring thoughts of taking a gap year after high school. here is a comprehensive list of the factors that go into this decision, as well as the pros and cons.

for the bulk of my educational career, the thought of taking a gap year never crossed my mind. i thought i would study hard in high school and attend a prestigious four-year university. of course, that is no longer the case.

during junior year, i began to get extremely demotivated with school. i would put off starting my homework until midnight the day it was due, or later because it felt so painful to do it. sometimes, i would even wake up an hour before an assignment was due simply to complete it, or submit blank google docs and claim i had submitted "wrong files."

towards the end of the school year, i really stopped trying. when my grades were on the line during finals week, instead of studying i chose to sleep, or watch youtube. i dropped letter grades in multiple classes because, although i only needed a mediocre score on the finals to maintain my grade, i failed them instead because i was so detached and didn't care enough to study. in one class i even took the final without looking at the content a first time.

i also ended up not submitting assignments to most of my classes during the last month of school, as well as completing multiple month-long projects in under three hours.

this carried on throughout advanced placement testing. ap us history was the first test i felt a sliver of motivation to study for in probably over two years. it felt like i had something to prove, that i was capable of achieving results if i tried. and for five days, i studied my ass off.

it turns out that not paying attention in class for an entire year and expecting to solidly grasp the topic was the wrong approach. now, it was definitely the hardest i tried in anything in a really long time, and i'm willing to praise myself for that. but, it wasn't enough. and that was difficult for me to accept.

obviously, i should've started studying earlier. i should've paid attention in school. after all, it was a summative assessment for a year-long course. however, i can't help but think that i did worse not because of how poorly i prepared, but because i'm no longer capable of success.

my motivation was once again diminished, and my hatred for forcing myself to learn subjects i didn't care about returned. and on top of that, i had mental block that i no longer possessed the intellectual vitality i once did. so for my next six tests, i didn't study. because i couldn't take it. for the immense pain school has brought to me this year, i really had nothing to show for it.

i'm certainly not proud of it, but i can't change the past and i need to be able to accept my actions, and realize that they were rational given the circumstances.

another result of my lack of effort in school is the negative impression it left on my teachers. most of the schools my younger self dreamed of going to require two teacher recommendations: one stem and one humanities. and although i did learn and grow a lot this past school year, i had nothing to show for it.

i always knew i would have difficulty with teacher recommendations, especially humanities, because i'm not a very outspoken individual, and i wouldn't go out of my way to converse with teachers, or almost anyone for that matter. on top of this, i don't have any shining talent in the humanities like i do with stem. although i have been praised for my writing by some of my friends, english class has never reflected it.

dating back to middle school, i always relied on outstanding academic performance to cover for my lack of social skills. when i requested teacher recommendations for mathematics-focused summer programs, i relied on my performance in class to carry my letter rather than my relationship with the teacher. generally, this worked fine because i was one of the more mathematically advanced students.

however, in humanities this would not be the case. due to my lack of participation and effort, i was almost denied a teacher recommendation for honors english in my freshman year, although i met all the requirements. i remember my time in that class, i spent most of it just trying not to fall asleep.

this year was no different. i put forth no effort towards class, did not study for any tests, and pretty much failed both english and history. at least this year covid protocols allowed me to occupy myself with surfing the internet during class rather than falling asleep. needless to say, i didn't a get a recommendation for ap literature. i didn't want to take that course anyway.

because of this, i pretty much don't have a teacher recommendation for humanities. i didn't even ask any of my teachers for one, because i felt too guilty to. my lack of communication certainly didn't help with that.

ironically, i feel like i would very much enjoy speaking with those older and more experienced than i am, but i made no effort to connect with my teachers. most of my teachers were honestly pretty cool people this year, but i really was just a shell of myself while on school campus.

if i were to look back at my regrets during high school, among the greatest would probably be not talking to teachers more. there's a lot of things i'm curious about that only those older than me could answer.

anyhow, my lack of strong teacher recommendations, or any teacher recommendations at all, leads directly into my next point, which is that i would feel almost embarrassed if i didn't go to a top college. this is a byproduct of how i was raised, and how i still view myself and my potential.

i'm not sure if this is an ego thing, but i genuinely believe that i possess a very high intellectual ceiling, and that i'm one of the best people i know in terms of morals, maturity and the ability to analyze. i also think that if i did have the energy to put forth my full effort towards catering to the college admissions process, i would have a very high chance of getting into my dream schools.

in seventh grade, when i was not placed in the highest math course, i had a feeling of being out of place because i deserved higher than the people around me. this feeling did disappear over time, but i fear that it may arise once again if i attend a mediocre college.

there's also the shame of having to tell my relatives that i didn't get into a great school. i come from a family of immigrants, that historically do pretty well academically. since most of my cousins are ten years older than i am, i don't really talk to them much, but what i do know is that most of them are pretty strong academically. and here comes my large ego again when i say that i feel like i am more gifted than them.

this is in no way detracting from their achievements, i do acknowledge that they are all very talented and driven individuals. i just think that if they were top 2%, i would be top 1%. i'm aware that i view myself very highly, which is also one of my greatest flaws, because i have never taken action, or put forth the effort, to demonstrate that i am capable of being the top 1%.

what's interesting about my large ego is that it greatly contrasts my low self-esteem. although i think so highly of myself, another part of me believes that my worth is near zero. this is probably due to my lack of effort towards everything. i believe that ego derives from the perceived potential, while self-esteem derives from results. ego is what you think you could be, self-esteem is how you perceive what you currently are. essentially, i have the talent but i lack the drive. i know that, yet i can't seem to change it.

this past year, i have passed on many opportunities because i truly believed that i didn't deserve them. for example, although i was one of our school math olympiad club's board members, i didn't reapply because i knew i did a bad job and i didn't want to feel guilty of taking the role from someone else who deserves it just because i was on board the previous year. this year, i definitely did make a point of not pursuing opportunities where nepotism could benefit me. in my heart, this feels like a very moral decision, but scenarios like this could negatively impact me in the college admissions process.

my lack of motivation this past year has also led me to question if i truly am passionate about what i do. and the answer to that is probably no. this is what i believe to be a flaw in the admissions process, that it relies on individuals possessing a continual passion for the topic they initially began to pursue. admissions officers love to see themes, they love to see students that display consistency over time. however, i feel that this is unrealistic. young children are very impressionable and immature. a preteen could never determine the field they wish to pursue for the rest of their life.

all this has done for me is an undying curiosity for all the fields i haven't explored. and over the years, i've realized that i feel a sense of purpose in storytelling, creating things that leave a lasting impact on others, something that can inspire. this has drawn me to the visual arts, specifically filmmaking. however i have zero experience in these topics. currently, i do not have the resources to explore my newfound interests, and it's very difficult to propose this idea to my parents and attempt to gain their support. and college certainly isn't an opportunity to try something new.

if i wanted to study film, i simply wouldn't be able to at a high-level program, because those with a background in the arts would outshine my lack thereof. i'm aware that undeclared majors and switching majors does exist, but my understanding is that if i applied to a math program, my probability of admission would be drastically higher because of my colorful background.

i also believe that grade point average is an unfair metric to base admissions on. if colleges love to see passion, it does not make sense to me why scores in courses that have zero relation to the topic we are passionate about are worth anything. how i see it is that i could earn an "a" in any class i wanted to if i tried. it comes down to how much time and effort i want to put into the course, and when i'm taking seven courses of the highest level on top of extracurriculars, it just seems like a matter of whether i want to keep my sanity or my gpa.

to keep it short and sweet, i in fact kept neither my sanity nor my gpa. school is fun.

college admissions and factors contributing to them destroy mental health, at least towards those who have very high expectations of themselves. and i don't think that college admissions account for these mental health issues enough for how much they contribute to them. however, this is something i can't fault the process for because it's easily fabricated, and it's an easy way out to explain poor performance.

on top of this, i think that college counseling is extremely unhealthy. first off, it expands income inequality, and is unfair towards those that don't participate in it. as an individual that participated in a college counseling program and quit on my own terms, i believe i am qualified to speak on this topic.

being advised to make decisions and participate in activities to create a false image of oneself to cater to admission officers is very toxic, especially at such a young age. additionally, essays should reflect a student's experiences, not an over-exaggerated account, heavily edited by professionals to perfectly fit their resume. aside from the obvious flaws of this, it also creates a generation of students who think that college is a personality trait.

standardized testing is another story. while i do believe it in some way represents another form of income inequality, i feel like it is less of a problem than the aforementioned factors. i do believe that with the internet, most people have sufficient resources to perform well. as a student who did "participate" in sat tutoring, i believe that i would've seen the exact same improvement in the same time using resources on the internet. however, i also didn't really pay attention at all in my sat class so maybe my experience is not representative of others. the gist of my argument is that you can only "improve," so much for an sat, much of it felt intuitive, and in this way, deserving students inherently perform better.

overall, i believe that the college admissions process denies deserving students an opportunity because having the economic liberty to buy a false version of oneself gives undeserving students the ability to take their spots. and let's not get started on legacy admissions.

while i think income level is valid to take into account to an extent, what i do think is an unfair metric is race. maybe it's because i'm asian, which is probably the ethnic group that is handicapped by this the most. but honestly, it makes no sense to me why a deserving student would be denied admission simply for the fact that there are too many students already admitted of the same race. while i do see an argument for having diversity on campus, it should not outshine a superior candidate.

the topic of race is a very rocky road to traverse. however, there are some arguments that seem so flawed to me. first is the idea that taking race into account promotes diversity in a way that income cannot.

i just fail to see how the color of one's skin has any effect on their viability as a candidate. yes, one's race could play a part in the challenges they faced growing up, whether social or economic, and from that standpoint, i can see some merit in using race as a factor. but which ethnic group has seen the least sympathy recently?

i don't want this to turn into an "oh, my race is more discriminated against than yours," argument, but racism directed towards asians has also become heavily normalized, and a lesser spoken about topic compared to racism towards many other races.

although i am firmly rooted in my opinion, i can see the argument for the other side. it just doesn't seem as strong to me because i haven't experienced it firsthand. the argument of innate racism in the educational process is backed up by some statistics. however, being raised in a heavily asian environment, i haven't been able to witness much of this.

my final argument is that the college admissions process degrades students. we've been raised in a generation where students and parents care about grades more than ever. but why is that? youth is something we should treasure. youth is a period of exploration, where one should be free in the world, where one should be able to do the things they enjoy doing. it shouldn't be a time where we try to create a version of ourselves that meet the expectations of admission officers. the phrase "youth is wasted on the young," is now more meaningful than ever. it is truly tragic that so many students lose their youth to college.

with that out of the way, it's time to look at the arguments against a gap year and the positives of college. first of all, it represents great opportunity. opportunity to grow. to experience things that i never had before. to meet new people. to explore a new city. a new start. it's also freedom that i desperately need.

additionally, it would probably be very difficult to convince my parents to accept that i want to take a gap year. both of my parents are immigrants. in asian culture, education is heavily stressed, and taking a gap year, or not going to college, is a very radical and risky idea. ever since i was young, i've been informed of the "once you turn eighteen, you're out of the house" policy. i was always expected to go to a good college, and straight out of it pursue a stable career.

finally, taking a gap year is extremely risky because of my lack of experience. there is no guarantee that this would be in any way productive, and my interests lie in a very hit or miss field. there is a very high chance that taking a gap year is only detrimental to me.

yet, it represents the opportunity to explore on my own. and that's enticing.