Pretty Pictures

These days, I spend so much time laying on my bed, listening to music, staring at my ceiling fan and thinking about how I want to spend the last few months. And among the many situations I've walked myself through, there's one dream I have that's actionable now.

I want to ask her to prom.

Seven short, simple words. A long and complicated high-risk high-reward journey with no guaranteed sense of success and no fallback plan, disguised as seven cute little words. My final ambitious goal before the end of high school. Yet, the idea sounds so stupid to me despite the fact that it's all I've thought about for weeks.

I'm stuck in the mindset of wanting to do more. I know I expressed earlier that living the "high school experience" was what I wanted to do before graduating, and this would definitely fall under that category. But I'm starting to have my doubts. Is it shallow to change who I am just to pursue one dumb impulsive idea before the end of high school? Is what I'm doing wrong? Will it even be worth it? What is the point of it all? I have this overly idealized vision that everything will be sunshine and butterflies and rainbows and pretty pictures, but the reality is that that probably isn't the case. Am I flying too close to the sun? Are the ninety-nine cases of humiliation worth it for the one scenario where everything works out? What happens after? I don't even know her. I haven't said a single word to her in my life. So why is she all I think about?

Nothing lasts. Even if I take this risk, what will come of it? Everything will be gone in a few months. She'll go to her college, and I'll go to mine. The past will remain nothing more than just a memory and I don't know if I'm ready to accept that reality of impermanence. There's this weird dichotomy of being willing to take any risks because we have so little time left and "if she says 'no' there's only two months left anyways," versus not wanting to take risks because our time is so limited that even if they do pay off, the results won't last. And both scenarios seem so disheartening.

Yet, I don't want to leave high school with regrets. I've already missed so many opportunities. Why not take one shot in the dark? Let an arrow fly and maybe by chance hit the bullseye? Plus, I've already committed so much to this, spent so much time, told so many friends about my situation, asked them for advice, and there are more people invested in my story than ever before.

But I also don't want her to feel like she can't say "no." I don't want so many people on my side pushing for the final destination, to the point where everyone hurts if we don't make it. But they're also all so supportive, and I feel like it's my obligation to not let them down; the foundation is all laid, it's just up to me to make a move. And even if it doesn't work out, at least I can say I tried.

Yet, there's still doubt in my mind. And with every passing day, I get sadder and sadder with every risk I refrain from taking because of my lack of confidence. Even though I know I should pull the trigger, I feel like I can't break free from this vicious, suffocating cycle of self-doubt. How rational is this proposal? Is it even worth it? Looking back to other scenarios where I felt this fairytale type of infatuation, none of them were really the right people. So why would this case be any different? What makes her different? What makes me believe that she isn't just another bad impulsive decision?

Does everyone go through this thought process? Is this just a normal experience, and I'm just scared? Am I too socially disconnected to recognize what's acceptable and what isn't? Am I overly anxious? Am I thinking too much? Does love always sound this stupid? Does love have any foundational basis at all? Does love make her aura glow so bright that she's the only one that I notice in the midst of a crowd? Does love radiate intense beams of ultraviolet, blinding like I've spent too much time staring at the sun?

Maybe this is it, maybe this time it truly is real. But even then, what happens when I do make it? Do I really want to be with her or do I solely want someone to depend on because I've romanticized it so much? What happens if this romanticized vision isn't the reality? How disillusioned would I be? Would I regret it all?

Sometimes I rationalize and think I'm about to get over her, over this daydream, and that I can live my life and she can live hers. That I don't have to go for something so drastically out of both of our elements. But when I go to school and catch sight of her, I fall head over heels once again and it's back to square one. There's just something that seems so special about her, yet deep down I feel like I should play it safe. But should I really just continue to admire from afar or do I take action and attempt to pursue a silly fantasy? Will I really feel fulfilled if I just sit back and watch? Am I content with blank, lifeless Polaroids or do I want a chance to capture pretty pictures?