overthinking, anxiety and uncertainty

tomorrow is the apush exam, or today rather. it's 3am now, and i've been trying to sleep for an hour. i've tried everything and nothing's working. calm music, meditation, yoga, singing even, i've done it all yet i can't calm down. my heart is beating out of my chest and my brain is as alert as ever. i think for probably the first time in my life, my body has succumbed to stress. i can't stop thinking about the repercussions of failure. i've had a history of sleepless nights before exams, but it's never been this bad. generally, these come from a sense of unpreparedness so i end up continuously studying throughout the night, until i fall asleep extremely late. this time, however, i've had a plan in advance, and was able to finish studying at an earlier time. i knew i needed a good night's sleep, but my body is preventing that from happening. i've also suffered from anxiety this past year, for a number of reasons: fear of the future, fear of my failures and a lot of it can be attributed to a recurring thought that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. there's just something about uncertainty that's extremely unsettling. and i've lost lot of confidence. that's the difference between a couple years ago and now: confidence. before, i was confident in myself. i got to the top and stayed there. this case is different. this is my redemption arc. my rise from the grave. i have something to prove. to myself. to my parents. i have to prove i'm capable, because i haven't given anything my all recently. i don't think i've even given anything my fifty-percent. this exam means more to me than any exam could ever matter. it's a stepping stone in rediscovering my sense of self-worth, it's a possibility to take a first step in ending my self-hatred. the slight college admissions advantage, the class credit, the bragging rights; those could not mean less to me. my score on this exam only matters to me because it would demonstrate that i can do it if i try. that i'm not worthless. that if i put the time, i can do anything. that if i want to do something, nothing can stop me. that i can accomplish my goals, if i put my mind to it. that i can be invincible. and that mindset is powerful. but failure is worse. failure is me realizing i can't. failure means that no matter how hard i try, i can't be the semi-successful individual i once was. failure means that exploring new realms is hopeless, because i'll fail there too. failure means that my vision of my potential was flawed. failure means i can't and won't ever be able to achieve anything. failure means i'm truly nothing. failure means i'm worthless. and i can't imagine living this failure down. i could've always prepared more. i could've started earlier. i should've started earlier. but it's worthless to dwell on the "should," and instead focus on the "can." i can try my hardest, even if it's unfavorable. i can make the best out of this situation. i can push the odds in my favor. but at the end of the day, they're still odds. it's still chance. just like college. just like life. uncertainty. my worst enemy. there's a lot of pressure tommorrow, i can't fuck up. this apush exam has been the first exam, or basically anything for that matter, that i've truly dedicated my time to. for the past five days, apush has been the only thing on my mind, and my preparation has amounted to over thirty hours. and i'll have to repeat this for six more tests; it's obligatory that i solve my issues with stress, and it's obligatory that i perform tomorrow. because if i don't, i'm not sure where i'd be. if i don't, i'm not sure how my parents would react. if i don't, i'm not sure if i'll be accepted anymore. if i don't, i'm not sure if i can accept myself. if i don't, i'm not sure if i can look at myself anymore without feeling extreme resentment. if i don't, i'm not sure if i'll ever be at peace with my mind. if i don't, i'm not sure if i'll make it to eighteen. so i will.