nothing matters, you feel?

something's just been off recently. for the past couple of weeks, nothing has felt truly fulfilling to me. it feels like i'm just waiting for every day to be over. but it's all hitting me now, at 2 am, with a couple of assignments still due tomorrow morning. on september 4, 2020 an old friend reached out to me, asking how i was feeling. my response still holds true to this day, "i don't want to do anything but school forces me to."

merely existing and doing the things that come naturally to pass time is all i have the energy for. i can't force myself to do anything else anymore because of the resentment associated, and the lack of accomplishment if i do do it. assignments are just ticking time bombs that i consistently wait until the last second to address.

i just... feel nothing. i succeed, who cares? i fail, who cares? certainly i don't, because the resentment associated with putting forth effort into completing an assignment well is greater than the result. recently, i qualified for aime for the 3rd year in a row. i self-studied calculus bc and finished with an a. i failed a biology test. i failed two history tests. i spent three hours writing a paper we had a month to work on. who cares? i don't. it just doesn't matter to me. i just don't love what i do. and as a result, my achievements feel meaningless, my failure feels meaningless. and i hate that it's expected of me to do all this shit that i don't care about.

it's not to say i'm completely devoid of emotion, there are people, or small things that bring me temporary joy, but it never lasts. and remaining in a positive mental state is impossible with the knowledge that eventually i'll have to fulfill my obligations for school.

it's not that i'm lazy, it's just that i don't want to put forth so much effort for something i care so little about. i hate that i have to be in classes that are of little interest or importance to me. but although i say i don't care, there is this idea, rooted deep down inside me, that my grades are a large part of my self-worth. and as i do worse and worse in school, i get more depressed, and as i get more depressed i do even worse in school. it's an endless cycle, and nearly impossible to break out of because i can't bring myself to put forth effort in the things i don't care about.