jason au is not a genius

in recent years, i've been humbled by the success of many of my peers, and other successful individuals who have a great mindset and are scarily close to me in age. and it really got me thinking, what makes it so difficult for me to do the same?

growing up, things came to me relatively easily, whether it was academically or athletically. i was always top of the class, and seemed to be successful at the sports i played. i've taken an extreme nosedive since.

while it's been difficult to come to terms that i have not become the person i thought i would be, i have to be able to make the best of my current situation. at the apex of college application season, i've felt completely burnt out and demotivated, which cannot be good. this post is my final attempt to get everything together and make that last-month push. fake it till you make it, yeah?

i'm pretty sure i'm a normal human being, in terms of my abilities. when i was a kid, i was convinced that i was a genius. i might've thought that until i was in middle school. but, i'm not as gifted as others. i'm not as driven. i'm not as enthusiastic. i'm not as charismatic. during the most stressful times, i don't make ends meet. i'm terrible at balancing everything. i have a terrible lifestyle.

i don't have outstanding grades. i don't have remarkable achievements. i don't have exceptional test scores. i've started so many things that i haven't finished or put sufficient effort into. i have a large ego with nothing to back it up. i'm confident in myself as a person and intellectually. i'm one of the best people i know. but in today's system and my actions in the past four years, i'm nowhere near the top. shit, i'm nowhere near even competitive to be at the top. but that's not enough of a reason to give up, nor is it an excuse.

in high school, seemingly everyone took a step up. those who i used to believe i was "above" in some manner have overtaken me by miles with their drive and tenacity. it's only me that's been left behind. but being at the bottom is no reason to give up. once you've fallen, you can only go up.

if i give up now, what will i have done? what will i have accomplished? throw me every obstacle there is, i'll push through. i'll give it everything. you can't stop me.