i don't want to get out of bed

everything has felt so pointless lately. with finals week coming up, the timing couldn't be any worse.

for the past couple of days, my daily schedules have looked something like this

whenever i finish hw - 8:00am: sleep

8:00am - 2:30pm: school

2:30pm - 4:00pm: homework

4:00pm - 4:30pm: lie in bed

4:30pm - ?: sit in shower for like 30 minutes

? - whenever i eat dinner: lie in bed again

eat

whenever i finish eating - whenever i decide to wake up, around 12:00am - 2:00am: sleep

2:00am - whenever i finish hw: homework/waste time on random shit

whenever i finish hw - 8:00am: sleep

and it's just been a repetition of this cycle, day after day. i'm starved of social interaction, have low levels of serotonin and overall just do nothing every day. and i can't seem to break out of this cycle because nothing seems to matter to me. i just don't want to get out of bed because there's nothing fulfilling to do if i do. it's just repeating the same actions over and over again, bullshitting homework and barely scraping by.

i've had feelings like this before, but it's never felt this bad. before, i'd at least play video games when i felt like everything else was pointless (not saying this is healthy, it's not), but at this point even video games don't seem to interest me. and that was my last line of defense preventing me from spiraling into a cycle of depression. i honestly don't know what to do at this point, there just seems like no reason to keep going. it's just an endless cycle of pain with seemingly no way out.

i don't like using the word depression because i'm not medically diagnosed, but i don't know what other word describes how i've been feeling. on this same topic, it feels like i'm the only one with my world crashing and burning while others are doing fine, like i'm the weak one breaking under pressure. obviously, this isn't something people just talk about, so i wouldn't know if others are feeling the same way as i am. and we're all trained to hide it.

i don't like comparing myself to other people but i genuinely wish i could be like some other people. i wish more people liked me. i wish grades weren't the only thing that mattered in my life. i wish i could fulfill what other people expect of me. but, there are two types of people that i wish i were. it seems easy enough to mold myself into what i want to be, but trying to do it just seems like such a heavy, pointless task.

type 1 (the student i thought i would be when i was in elementary school): the one that's at the top of the class always.

in elementary school, i was a top of the class student. as such, it was something i always identified with. i've already gone into this point before, so i'm not going to elaborate on it too much, but essentially being smart has grown to become my personality trait.

beginning freshman year, i lost my only selling point, as i was placed in an environment where i was nothing more than average. it was at this point where i became familiar with the term "inferiority complex," and at the time i did not seem to associate with it. as freshman and sophomore year passed, i still didn't identify with an inferiority complex.

that was until i looked back on it earlier this week. and i've never seen a more accurate description of myself.

inferiority complex: an unrealistic feeling of general inadequacy caused by actual or supposed inferiority in one sphere, sometimes marked by aggressive behavior in compensation.

reflection time: i definitely do have a feeling of inadequacy, that i would describe as unrealistic since i feel like if i weren't in this hyper-competitive environment i would be a top of the class student. but due to those surrounding me just taking it a step further i have a general feeling of being behind.

regarding the aggressiveness, this isn't something i looked much into until recently, and it's also a side effect that hasn't been very apparent until recently. but every so often, i tend to break into uncontrollable anger over seemingly little things, and no matter how much i try to calm down, i can't.

i feel like another side-effect is my loss of ability to be happy for others when they're doing something better than me. this comes from three things: my mindset that i need to do something to rise above them, my mindset that they don't deserve to be happy because i've worked harder, or because i wish i had passion like they did. and these are really toxic behaviors that i can't seem to shake. maybe i could be happy for others if i first could be happy for myself.

anyways, back to the main point. i wish i were the one at the top of the class. i feel like the recognition would give me motivation to try harder, but at the same time it could be additional pressure that may affect me negatively. but, being depressed and at the top of the class is much better than being depressed and mediocre, like i am now. i've been in an environment where i feel like my self-worth is associated with my academic achievement, and results are the only thing that matter. and i've grown to accept that belief, leading to issues with self-esteem when i'm underperforming in school. but i've also been so focused on academics my entire life that i haven't had time to develop any social skills. which is why the second type of student i wish i was is a more fun-based, less-academic life.

type 2 (the seed that began to grow in my mind as i became more and more of a failure academically): the one whose purpose in high school is to enjoy their life.

i wish i could care less about grades and more about my happiness. i wish i could be a mediocre student and be accepted for that. i wish i could go out at night with friends, and do what i want whenever i wanted. i wish i had self-confidence. but that's not the case.

with my lack of social skills, lack of friends, and disapproval of a more fun-based lifestyle, this type of high school experience is nothing more than an unrealistic dream. i feel like in this case, i would enjoy my life a lot more, live an easier life and feel immensely less pressure. but i do have a tendency of always wishing for what i don't have. i also have a tendency of doing what feels better in the moment, rather than what is better for the future.

maybe i just wish i could live this way because i'm lazy. maybe i wish i could live this way because i'd rather go last than come in second. i strive for perfection, and if i can't achieve perfection, i'd rather try less and achieve less rather than try hard and achieve near-perfection. and maybe that's a problem, but if i knew the path of perfection would lead to this mental state, i would've never wanted to tread down that path initially.

but then again, i never had a choice. it was perfection or bust. if i wasn't a top student, i wouldn't be accepted by my parents. and obviously being the gratification-seeking kid i was, i obliged to the point where academics became my sense of self-worth.

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i'm jealous of those who are able to be at the top of the class, have a personality, are respected and are happy. i wish i could be like them. i wish i could be happy for them. but because of what my parents and i expected of myself growing up, i've grown into a mindset where i feel i never can.

i wish i could accept myself for who i am. i wish i could learn how to appreciate mediocrity. i wish i could stop feeling dread when i see others succeed. i wish there was something i was passionate about. i wish i could commit to something and see it through.

but it seems like i only wish, and never do. i guess it's a process.

<3,

jason