i can't accept myself for who i've become

if the quote "to love others you must first love yourself" is true, then shit i'm gonna be single forever.

i feel like others possess so many more good qualities to them than i do. this may sound like i'm belittling myself, but to me this seems to be the truth. thinking back on the past, there is nothing in my life that i ever worked for; every opportunity, every success fell right into my hands.

i'm not brave, like so many others are. i don't possess courage like so many others do. in the face of challenge, or when i'm at the risk of failure i don't stand up, i run the fuck away. and this is part of the reason why i can't be proud of myself.

a mentality that's far too common is that rather than being proud of achievements, we belittle them and raise the bar instead. but i feel like i wouldn't think this way if i actually worked for my achievements, if there was something i actually committed significant time and effort towards and it worked out.

every time i was faced with a challenge, i crumbled under the pressure. every time someone thinks of me as more than i am, it makes me feel guilty. every time others automatically assume that i scored well on a test, or contributed more to an end product than i really did, i can't help but die a little inside.

i feel like i focus on what others have done and see it as something greater than what i have done. because it is unfamiliar territory, it could be that i see their accomplishments as more impressive than they really are, and this could be attributed to me belittling what i've done. but to me, i still can't accept that what i've done is great, because it all came so easily to me. everyone tells stories of how hard they worked to accomplish their goals, i have none of those stories.

the fact is that i'm genuinely failing, and it's pained me to admit and accept for so long. i've had a 4.0 gpa in freshman and sophomore year, and this year it's dipped to a below 3.5 average. in last year's ap tests, i scored a 1 and a 3. i've never associated myself with failure, and i've never known how to come back from it because of how naturally "success" seemed to come to me. and i've had to deal with the guilt of people automatically assuming i scored straight 5's when the reality was i didn't, i scored much worse. i fucking failed.

a part of the reason why it's so painful is that growing up, a sizable portion of my identity was connected to the fact that i was smarter than most people. due to burnout, dread and mental issues i was unable to keep this up, and i had to redefine a sense of self. however, i still feel that i have little personality, i have little substance as a person.

reflecting on middle school, a point where i would say i had the most social interaction, a lot of the time i wasn't myself. i was acting in such a way to get the most people to like me, and attempted to avoid all conflict. and i feel like that's a large reason why i fell out of touch with most people from middle school after i moved - there was no genuine connection. i was easily replaceable.

and instead of changing that, i began to avoid talking to people if i could. in freshman year, i don't think i started a single conversation, and this persisted throughout the years. and this year, i sit alone at breaks. i think that in high school, conflict averseness and fear of judgment still stuck with me. which is the cause of my lack of friends, as well as me never showing the vulnerable side of myself to anybody, and rarely truly opening myself to others.

obviously, it's hard to be vulnerable, but i'm a firm believer that there is strength in vulnerability. and i believe that these vulnerable thoughts define who i am, yet i've never shared them with anybody that i see in person on a regular basis. it's very energy consuming for me to put on a mask at school, yet i do so because i fear that otherwise i'll be seen as weird. and for this same reason, it's easier for me to be open towards people that i haven't seen in a while or don't know well, because they don't have quite as strong of a perception of the person i fake being.

this fear of appearing an outcast has also has stopped me from starting conversations with those who i feel are interesting people. it has stopped me from starting conversations with people that i want to develop friendships with. it has stopped me from approaching anybody. and it's stopped me from being myself.

because failure really hurts me.

i know i tend to shrug off a lot of insults and smile when others tease me, but some of the words really stick to me even if the intent wasn't malicious, and even if i act like they don't. some actions mean a lot more to me than i show, whether positive or negative. and this is apparent in most conversations revolving around school or college, because people have a false perception of me that is so much more accomplished than i really am.

i'm not too sure why people think i'm book smart. it could possibly be because i portray myself in a way that makes it appear so. but i honestly don't know, because i feel like ever since i moved i hadn't made a conscious effort to do that. yet, people still assume as such. and every time someone asks me a question, it hurts to know that i can't help them.

outside of outcomes that affect solely me, my inability to accept my mediocrity inhibits my ability to feel happy for others. every time i see somebody else doing something cool, i can't help but feel pain that i wasted my potential, and i should've been able to do the same or something of the same caliber.

for example, a friend of mine started a podcast and i haven't been able to sit through a single episode for the sole reason that they're doing something that i wish i could do. and it feels really bad to not be able to support those in pursuing things that they are passionate about.

sometimes i feel like a burden, like a waste of resources, waste of space, a melting pot of desire and inaction. maybe that's a flawed mentality, but it's just difficult to understand why someone would commit so much time in effort into me, in order for me to provide no return. maybe i need to learn my self-worth, but it just feels like squeezing water from stone: attempting to find worth in someone that simply doesn't possess anything worth value.

i feel like the natural response to this would be "i care about you, and i enjoy talking to you," or something along those lines and i can see that in some way i have value to others, but it also leads into another conflict which is one's value as a person versus their value on paper. because nowadays a person on paper is valued much more than their character, at least that's how i see it. it feels as if a person and their achievements are much more important than their character. because at the end of the day being the most accomplished person in the room gets you much further than being the most empathetic.

it's a conflict between my heart and head. my heart tells me i should do what i love, and that being a good person and doing the right thing at all times is enough. but my head tells me that i should do things for the sake that it makes me seem more accomplished on paper, and that i can and should step on others for my own benefit.

and as much as a try to accept following my heart because it is the morally correct choice, my head is always telling me otherwise. because people that are much worse than me are getting way further than i am. and as much as i hate it, it's the reality, and it means that they are doing something right that i'm not.

and that's why it's so hard for me to accept myself. because i am not someone that sacrifices and relentlessly pursues success, i am one that is more affected by my emotions and i am one that wishes to commit my energy to ideas i care more about. because i am not someone that is mentally stable. because i am not someone that has taken sufficient action to follow the path expected of them. because i am not someone that other people think i am. because i am someone that is an outcast.

i've tried to accept imperfection. i've tried to accept that i've fallen from grace. but the fact that i'm not who first grade me thought i would be at age sixteen fills me with hatred for myself. the fact that i've had so much potential and that it's all been wasted makes it difficult for me to love the person i am today. i let my parents down, i let my first grade self down. i wasted so much fucking money. i've lost sight of what my goals are "supposed" to be. i've lost the ability to care about nearly anything.

i just wish i could be the person that everyone expects me to be. i wish i could be the person i want myself to be. shit, i wish i could be the person that most other people think i am. i wish i didn't develop the problems i've developed over the years. i wish i didn't burn out. i wish everything was okay. but it's not. my entire fucking world is burning and i have to act like it's okay.

and i just need to accept that this is the state of my life. i am no longer the perfect student. i am no longer the perfect son. and i can't be anymore. i need stop reminiscing on the person i could've been if i just put forth more effort. i need to stop thinking about what my reality could be if i were better.

i need to be able to accept me for who i am. but it's just so fucking difficult. because who i am is not who i want to be, but it takes time to become who i want to be. because who i am is not who others envisioned me to be, but i don't need to conform to them. and i just need to remember that.

drown out all the noise.

and focus on myself.

stop dwelling on wasted potential.

and attempt to salvage a lost cause.