Glimpse of Us

4:30 AM. Fireflies, dimly lit street lamps, gentle winds. Sprinklers, delicate mirages of water, empty benches. Step into the line of fire, cool water contacts skin, shivers down my spine, wind chill. A car drives by, slows, illuminates its headlights, but keeps going. Once again, shrouded by the dead of night.

Firecrackers, gunshots in an open field. Cracked earth, withering shrubs, yellowing leaves, dust storm. Light the fuse, telephone lines, flames, police sirens, ambulance, cinder blocks, explosions, confusion, flee the scene.

Dark bathroom, bloodshot eyes, fully clothed in a scalding bathtub, syringe in hand, wrist facing heaven. Heavy eyelids fold, neck snaps back, mouth drops limply open. Chugging soju, toss the bottle across the room, green glass explodes into a million shards along the linoleum floor. Arm extends, palm caresses the empty void, painfully reminiscing our lost sunshine and rainbows. Steam, thirty degrees above room temperature, nausea, humidity, gasping for breath. Burning charcoal, a kiss of carbon monoxide, air thins out. A blissful escape from existence, everything fades to black for eternity.

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I would say I drowned a lot out these past couple of years. I made no effort to connect with people, I didn't really see a reason to and it seemed like such a chore. I also let the negatives shape me much more than anything. I wouldn't say I have a split personality, but I really do feel like I was two different people inside of school and out. It had this effect on me that, when I was there, I wanted to hate everything and everyone associated with it.

I guess this perspective grew on me as I began to see the world more and more negatively. I started to find any reason to dislike someone and would die on that hill. I began to complain so much more, from how half the workforce is even employed despite being so incompetent, to making huge deals about every little interaction where someone said something remotely insensitive or condescending. Playing the victim is peacefully ignorant.

It wasn't that I hated everyone, but the increased volume of negative thoughts had one adverse effect; that my views of people became so polarized. I put those that I love on an extremely high pedestal, and push everyone else to the side. Because of this, I grow very attached to the people I like.

I'm a hopeless romantic. I wish for a fairytale type of love, and hang onto the concept that there exists someone perfect out there. And I believe that if I find that person, I could give them my world and more, and they would reciprocate that. I imagine romance as this very pure concept, that just the mere presence of my significant other could light up the world. I dream of all the things we could do together, from the simplest things like spontaneous road trips, giving little cute gifts and surprises or swinging together in a calm park at midnight while listening to "Falling in Love" by Cigarettes After Sex. Because we would be in the moment. In love. And since I see it this way, I break my own heart every day I'm single.

Every time I like someone, I imagine that they perfectly fit this mold. With every new person I find myself attracted to, I only acquire more and more ideas of how I want my perfect romance to be. With every new crush, I become more and more obsessed, I attach more and more perfect attributes, I fall further and further, I dig my own grave deeper and deeper. I never stop thinking about what we could be, even if I don't know whether or not they're the person I dream they are. And then when they're gone...

When they're gone, I see the world and can only think of how it would be if I had them by my side. I find it so hard to move on, because I attribute all these perfect traits to them, that no real person can compete with. And then, I only pass time on this Earth for that one sliver of hope that one day I will rediscover a glimpse of us.

Take me, torture me, control me, I exist for you. Drag me to hell and back and I'll keep crawling back to you. I would sell my soul to Satan for just one chance with you. Cast me into the maw of the insatiable demon, and I would still love you with every ounce of my soul. Bury me six feet in snow, and I would thank you for everything you've done for me. I would do anything to have that moment back and not let the chance escape my grasp. I would give my life for one more glimpse of us. Please, take me by your arms and make me feel like everything will be alright.

Said I'm fine, and said I moved on, but I'm only here passing time in her arms, hoping I'll find a glimpse of us.