CCC7: Falling apart

I haven't been to good with writing these reflections this semester; and a large part of that is because everything has felt like it's been falling apart.

I posted about this earlier, but after a summer semester that didn't feel particularly rewarding, I relapsed into competitive gaming and shut everything out for a span of weeks, on top of other addictions including gambling, which I spent all of my time on. This is the main reason everything is so fucked to this day.

Obviously, there's no use in getting hung up about the past, there's really nothing I can do to change it. Even then, it's been a recurring thought in my head. Hundreds of times an hour, I think to myself "if I actually was just consistent and able to focus on school for the entire semester, I would be in amazing shape right now." But I've tried my best to drown that out and I will continue to. It just feels so terrible to know that two weeks without my head in it, I pretty much ruined it all.

During that period of time, I failed a differential equations test so hard I put myself out of contention of getting a 90%. The thing with differentials is that I know that I am more than capable of doing well in the class. Despite absolutely failing the first test, I was the highest score on the second one. The problem is, even if I do get a perfect score on the final, I can only get an 87% in the class. The class is curved, but I don't know by how much. And it makes me uneasy to have to rely on something like that.

I also did so terribly on my physics tests that I need a near perfect score on the final. This one I don't feel very good about because even after reviewing my previous tests, I still think to myself there's no way I could solve those questions if they was given to me again. The equations and concepts just feel so foreign to me, and no matter how long or hard I study, I can't feel confident in my understanding of concepts. But I still have time.

I'm also likely to get a B in writing. The way grading works in that class is that we are given a certain set of guidelines throughout the semester that we need to meet in order to get an A. Then, our final essay is an argumentative essay where we have to state what grade we think we deserve and cite why. The issue is, I'm just not completely sure I've met the A requirements perfectly, and it's all for stupid reasons that are my fault, whether it be poor communication, or not pushing through my fatigue hard enough even though the effort I had to put was so small. I'm still going to argue for an A on the essay. But overconfidence is quite possibly the most embarrassing thing possible. If I argue for an A, and get a B instead, that would feel infinitely worse than failing on my own terms. It would tell me that my professor sees right through me, that she knows that I am indeed a fraud. I've done a lot this semester that paints me that way, and I think a lot of my actions could have been interpreted as disingenuous. And I'm incredibly sorry to my professor for that, because they are one of my favorites I've ever had. If that happens, on top of lowering my GPA, it likely also loses me my letter of recommendation.

Still, there's really only one thing I can do and that's to give it my all, and believe in myself no matter how dire the circumstance is. The choice to attend community college was already a bet on myself in itself. I can't ruin it again, failure just isn't an option for me. All that's left is to put my head down, push myself to the limit, and trust in the curve. This next week is the difference between a 3.7 and a 4.0. To me, that feels like the difference between transfer rejection and acceptance. It's an insanely high stakes, insanely difficult do or die.

But I can do it. I'm insanely smart, and I've pulled off miracles in the past.

Lock in, one more time.

One last dance.

Believe in the heart of the cards.