CCC5: I think I'm failing (oops)

I've been behind on practically everything these first couple weeks of school. I've missed my computer science class twice, and my differential equations class once.

I've been anything but proactive. Most of the time, I'm doing my homework on the day it's due, and I'm half-asleep in half my classes. I'm also eating really poorly, probably even worse than before and quite possibly worse than I ever have in my entire life.

Weirdly enough, weekdays don't feel like the problem, it's the weekends. Every weekend I basically just decide to ruin my entire life for no reason. I stay up until 4am for literally no purpose at all and sleep in until 2 or 3pm. By the time I wake up, it already feels like the day is over, and despite the long hours of sleep, I feel extremely lethargic. As such, my weekends, which are supposed to be catch-up days, end up wasted. And I'm stuck with very high pressure, low sleep weekdays. It's a vicious cycle, and every weekend I tell myself it'll be the last one but it never is.

As for other updates, my tutoring gig might've fallen through, but that's alright. My emails are being ignored, but I also haven't tried to follow up in person yet. I think I'll wait; not committing to this job yet gives me more options to apply elsewhere. My club is completely undecided, and I don't really know what's going on with the approval right now. The students services center has really poor communication, and just doesn't make me feel like I'm in the loop. It's a bit discouraging that it's so difficult for me to create a new club for something I'm really passionate about.

I've also began to take writing more seriously, as I've started writing for the Brain Scramble, which you might have noticed with "House of the Dead." I'm also starting to write for a newsletter at my school which is quite exciting.

As is the new-semester tradition, I'll run through my classes and my thoughts.

WR 1H - College Writing Honors

I've loved this class so far. The professor is great, the content is fun and engaging, and the homework doesn't feel tedious at all. Not much to say here, just an all around great class and as we might know I only have a lot to say when I'm complaining. So we'll leave it at that.

MATH 24H - Honors Differential Equations

This class is just not it. I'm pretty sure it's not even that hard but for some reason my little pea-brain really struggles to grasp the concepts. In addition, my poor time management skills lead me to stay up to ungodly hours before the days of differentials classes. As such, I'm never completely paying attention, which is a destructive cycle.

But on top of this, we don't get homework answers, nor do we get instant feedback on our answers. In multivariable calculus, I learned a lot through the online homework system, which would instantly check my answers and sometimes give me explanations to questions that I just couldn't seem to understand. Differentials has none of that, and I'm blindly guessing, praying that everything I had done is correct. Granted, I could use outside resources but I just wish it didn't have to be this annoying.

On top of this, differentials starts at 9am. On the days I don't have differentials, I start at 12pm. Just adds fuel to the fire. If I'm going to burn this semester, it's going to start from differentials.

PHYS 4B - General Physics

So far, this class has felt like a repeat of AP Physics C: Electricity & Magnetism. That's not to say it's easy; I've forgotten a lot from that as I took it over two years ago. The lectures are long and dry honestly, and I don't even think it's the fault of the professor.

The homework is tedious, and small computation errors extend the time it takes to complete the homework tenfold. I've given up paying attention during lectures, three hours on topics that I already have somewhat of a grasp on is just too much, and I wish this class was more hands-on, and I wish we solved more questions in class as opposed to lecturing about random stuff for fun and end up only actually doing like 4 questions per class.

ECON 1H - Principles of Microeconomics Honors

This class is actually very interesting to me. The professor is a pretty entertaining lecturer, but unfortunately it falls on the same day as differential equations so I'm rarely ever completely awake for the class. It's a very short 1 hour 15 minute class, so I kind of feel bad. I also sit front and center, and I always feel like I'm disrespecting the professor who seems like he tries very hard to make his class fun when that is not my intention.

CS 37 - C++ Programming

I'm so out of touch with the class. I think I'm burnt out of coding, after having forced myself to do it for the past three years, and this class would mark my fourth language. I know this is the standard for most people going into tech but I really don't see myself in that career. It's just repetitive going over the basics and the syntax of every new language when it's in essence all the same. But C++ is a required class, so there's nothing I can do about it.

It's been a month. I've missed half the classes, and I haven't run a single line of code.

Lucky for me, classes still haven't completely ramped up yet. I know that once we start taking our first exams, I'll need to begin trying really hard to make up for all my sins of the past couple of weeks. I've been barely getting by and it makes me feel very insecure. I find myself having these moments where my stomach drops and my heart beats really fast when I think about the current state of my life and my education, which is probably not a good thing.

It just feels different than before. Almost like the novelty's worn off, and school is just school again. In addition, as compared to summer, there are so many more people on campus which is expected. The issue with this is the library is always full, and it makes it now nearly impossible for me to focus there. This is quite bad because that was where I got the bulk of my work done during summer.

I also just don't particularly feel like I have a place on campus. I stupidly scheduled my classes in such a way that on Tuesdays and Thursdays I have a three hour break in between my two classes. I can't drive, so I can't leave campus. But there's nowhere to be on campus either. I can't study, because I can't focus on school campus anymore. Maybe that part is an issue with me but it's just really frustrating that the only reason I scheduled my classes this way was so that I could fit tutoring in my schedule, but it doesn't seem like that'll be happening.

I think I've lost my shine. Nothing is pretty anymore, and I'm quite literally falling behind in every way imaginable. A lot has to change, and it needs to happen soon. Not only regarding my academics, but my social life.

I need to get over the idea that college is supposed to be the best years of my life. At least, not this year.

I don't think I'll be able to recreate those first six weeks of summer, but I'll do whatever I can to make it through this year.