CCC3: It's almost like it's too easy?

Despite my grades suggesting that classes are going smoothly, it has been anything but that. My mental has not been the best the past couple of weeks and I've found it increasingly difficult to focus and finish work in general. I've begun to have those days where I just lay in bed and do nothing. Just last week, I spent about 20 hours reading the entirety of Solo Leveling instead of doing any work. Yet, wasting 3-4 days a week, I'm still able to complete everything and perform fairly well. And I'm starting to believe that maybe this shit is just easy.

I'm not working hard. I don't deserve it. I'm taking four fake classes, and multivariable isn't even that difficult to me. Somehow it all just comes so easily. It feels so disingenuous. Everyone else seems to be trying so hard and actively paying attention in class. But I barely study, almost fall asleep in class every day, and am never focused while doing homework. I'm not doing anything that would suggest that I would perform better than anyone else. But my brain still somehow retains all the information, and I remember material from three units ago like the back of my hand. It just feels so easy - and for some reason it feels terrible. I thought I would feel some sense of accomplishment, but I feel nothing. Yes, this may sound egotistical or pretentious or something. I know I'm fishing for reassurance, I know I'm seeking attention, I've known that I was an attention seeker for as long as I can remember. But I really thought I would feel proud of what I've done, but I don't, not even a single bit. I have five real classes fall semester. I guess I have that to look forward to.

"19 units," what a fucking joke. Chinese, Counseling, Advanced Research, Intro to C; these classes are nothing to me but a waste of time with a shit ton of worthless assignments being thrown at my face which I can finish in maybe eight hours or less. I try to justify to myself that I'm working hard and my success is deserved, but no amount of positivity can convince myself of such a lie. I don't even think it's possible to finish with below a 95% in any of these classes; it almost feels like I'm cheating the system in some way with these impossible-to-fail classes. The work is just so unfulfilling. It doesn't feel like I have anything to prove. I'm still who I was a few months ago, the one who fell so short while everyone else was moving forward. In practice, everything is so much easier than it is in theory. In my brain, I haven't grown or accomplished anything worthwhile in any shape or form.

I signed up for Chinese because I had a passion for learning the language, but this class is just so stupid. It's more of a "how can you make your essays and responses as long as possible," class rather than an "immerse yourself in Chinese culture while learning the language," class. In addition, the discussions are just so dumb. The first two weeks, I actually tried to think of thoughtful replies. Then I started to read other people's replies, and most of them followed this structure more or less: "Hello Jason, I like apples too!" These responses get full credit, speaking from experience as I began to shift into posting these effortless comments as well.

I'm also pretty sure I like coding, the problem-solving aspect of it is very intriguing to me, except for the fact that the lectures are so unbelievably boring, I hate debugging, and my IDE is absolutely terrible (for your own good, never use Visual Studio). The thing with this class is that I already know all the concepts, I just need to learn C syntax. But it's so frustrating when I know how to do the question but I have to spend hours finding out why my dumbass code won't compile because I'm unfamiliar with the language.

In other news, I scored a 59/60, 98%, on my second multivariable calculus test. I could only fixate on the one point I lost. I managed to keep my quiz grade perfect, although I got a little lucky. I have another test tomorrow, I hope I don't fuck up.

I should probably start working on the club that I want to start, as well as drafting my college essays, pretty soon. I need some variety in my life.

A failed attempt to motivate myself.

Sleeping has gotten very difficult these past couple of weeks. On my worst days, I fall asleep at 6am or later. Even if I'm physically exhausted, my mind oftentimes prevents me from falling asleep.

This was a week where I practically did nothing on every weekday. Having 25 assignments due in the next two days is one hell of a drug.

Junior year, where I felt so demoralized, paralyzed and numb. I was getting flashbacks to that time. I saw parts of my junior self in me these past couple of weeks, the person that would lay down and browse the internet all day. The one who festered in inferiority but did nothing to change it. The one that felt so stuck in a seemingly unbreakable cycle.

I feel like a lot of my problems recently revolved around the girl I liked. I think I've come to terms with it now, and it's kind of embarrassing that I'm still talking about it. The gist of it was, I learned that I shouldn't try to force and fixate on things that were so far fetched, and I should only commit my time into situations where I have something to gain, whether it's concrete or personal.

This is a similar theme to much of the post, I lost myself in something that wasn't my schoolwork. In fact, I lost myself in quite a few things that weren't schoolwork. This sparked a chain of doubt and almost self-hatred. I guess this is why impostor syndrome is so dangerous. Even though I'm well aware that that is probably what I'm experiencing, the feelings of low self-worth still consume me. I haven't been on top of anything recently. Even this post is a few days late.