CCC1: Multivariable calculus, broken glass, and too much ambition

This is the first part of a series I hope to keep going for the entire year which I will call "Community College Chronicles," abbreviated as "CCC," because I am not creative enough to think of a better name. As some of you may know, I chose to attend community college for the following school year, with aspirations of a one-year transfer to a four-year university. I may or may not explain this decision further in a future blog post.

This series has two main purposes: to keep me accountable, and to document my journey down a pathway I never thought I would be taking.

*

*

*

I may have bit off a bit more than I could chew. So far, I've had two classes begin: "Academic, Career and Life Success," which I will refer to as "Counseling 6," and multivariable calculus.

Counseling 6 is very much a free class. Each week, we are required to do two online discussions, each requiring one post and two replies, and two major assignments. As a whole, this is very light, non-intensive work. However, it gets annoying after a while as some of the assignments are pretty stupid. Like, I get it, there's an overarching positive message, but you can only get so much out of it when the class feels so impersonal. Additionally, forced discussion replies obviously creates a disingenuous atmosphere, where people reply to others for completion, rather than actual interest. This class is honestly fine - I'll take my 3 units and go - but I'm not too quite sure what I'm supposed to get out of it.

The real course that's been eating at me ever since the beginning of summer is multivariable calculus. This is probably the most humbling course I've ever taken, and has alone stressed me out more than taking 6 concurrent APs, granted I didn't try very hard on my APs. Taking this class in the summer is nothing but masochistic. There is so much content, so much to understand, and so many things to do and write every single question. I've probably spent an average of six hours on calculus daily, and this only includes going to class and doing the homework.

The homework is very mentally taxing. Each missed problem is one punch to the gut after another. And six hours a day, seven days a week, those add up. On top of this, it's so isolating. No outside contact, just slaving away at math problem after math problem. The library feels like an asylum, solitary confinement, and it's driving me crazy. For the first time in my life, I felt the urge to cry while doing my homework. And it wasn't a one time thing - it recurred day after day these past two weeks.

Along with putting effort into school for the first time I can remember comes the desire for perfection. And on the second quiz, I lost my perfect 100% when I scored an 8/10. This sent me into a spiral. Maybe I'm a doomsayer but after that one question I missed, it really did feel like it was all over. I couldn't even find a way to succeed in one class, let alone five. How was I supposed to make it?

There's still three classes that haven't begun. One summer, nineteen units, why? I bet on myself, and I think I'm going to lose. As it is, I'm barely making it. I don't know how my schedule, and my mental health, will look two weeks from now. I overestimated my abilities. I don't have a positive outlook at all moving forward, but I guess I'll give it all I have. If I fall in the process, at least I tried.

I really have been losing my sanity this week. I don't know if it's because I exclusively listen to Joji's "BALLADS 1," while doing homework, or if it's because calculus is just that mentally degrading, but I'm leaning towards the latter.

Yesterday, I dropped a glass cup on the floor. I was in more shock than anything, but it was at that moment that I was just about ready to lose it. It felt like nothing could go right, and was almost symbolic of how everything around me was breaking apart. One small fragment made its way into my right shin, and I sat down, watching the viscous crimson trickle down my leg.

As I picked up the pieces, I stopped for a moment, stared at the glass shard in my right hand, then at the vein on my left forearm. What would happen if I had just let it sink in?

My emotions are just clouding me so much. Longing, inadequacy, inferiority. I wish I could spend the last summer with those moving away for college. I wish I could answer the "what if?" with her. I wish I didn't feel like I'm going insane. I wish I didn't feel like I'm one misstep from losing it all. But I made a commitment. And I will put my head down, swallow my pride, silence the voices, and do whatever I can to see it through.